Unky mood at this moment…NOW: Drunk

Oh I walk out into the sun, I tried to find a new day
But the whole place it just screams in my eyes
Where are you now cause I don't want to meet you
I think I'd die, I think I'd laugh at you, I know I'd cry
What am I supposed to do, follow you
Outside the thoughts come flooding back now, I was trying to forget you

So easy to disturb with a thought with a whisper
With a careless memory with a careless memory
With a careless memory with a careless memory
With a careless memory
Careless Memory~Duran Duran

Nothing to gain, hallow and alone
And the fault is my own, the fault is my own Somewhere I Belong~Linkin Park

I started writing an entry about Ian and all that garbage but I got overwhelmed, phone ringing, needing to do a thousand things because for some stupid reason (not really stupid, more lack o’ fundage) I’m making all stupid X-mas presents. Unfortunately my beliefs don’t overshadow my stupid upbringing and I still feel I need to give gifts. Bleh. I’m painting pictures and boxes and making necklaces and trying to think of something to do for those I can’t think of anything to do for. Did I mention how much I love the holidays?!?! I get paid on the 24th and that is when I’m going to have to shop for Nic. My mom has told me not to worry about it because she has gotten him plenty. But, that is NOT THE POINT!! I want to get him something. He’s been so good really and I’ve been so broke. I know it’s not going to get better with me starting school but I want to get him something he really wants. Bleh fuckin bleh!

This Ian thing is bothering me too much. I need some answers. I need some closure. If you could ask someone “what happened, what went wrong, was I so horrible, why, why, why??” would you do it? Or, would you live with what you think you know? Would you just say “fuck it”? Could you go on without at least trying to get some answers? Answers to direct questions? Answers from a person that has 6-7 months of nothing to do but maybe think about your questions? Do you let the chance go by and say too much time has passed? Does he hold the key to heal me or at least allow me to move on? Fuck, I hate giving him so much power. Who’s to say he won’t bullshit me? Would his answers just bring up more questions and make me hold on tighter?

Would you do it?

Fuck it….bring on the 21 year old…