Hey, hey girl, are you ready for today?
You got your shield and sword
’Cause it’s time to play the games
You are beautiful even though you’re not for sure
Don’t let him pull you by your skirt
You’re gonna get your feelings hurt
You can push me out the window
I’ll just get back up
You can run over me with your 18-wheeler truck
And I won’t give a fuck
You can hang me like a slave
I’ll go underground
You can run over me with your 18-wheeler but…
You can’t keep me down
18 Wheeler~Pink

I’m officially a college student. WOO-HOO!! I’m excited, apprehensive and scared to death. Classes start January 12. I’m taking two morning classes then running home and getting to work until 5:30 p.m. Luckily my Pell Grant is going to be enough after tuition, fees and books that I should be able to pay my rent two months in advance and by the time that runs out I will have my taxes back and can get ahead again until summer classes begin and I get more grant money. All I can do is keep my fingers crossed and hope things go exactly like that! No car trouble, no oversleeping, no being late, no morning hangovers, etc. Now I will just have to find time to study! I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO THIS, I WILL DO THIS!!!

In other news, I am seeing Jay again. It’s going better than before. I’m able to overlook the laugh. He’s been very good to me and I am trying really hard to just let him. We were talking about Ian and he said that Ian had murdered a lot of things in me. Unfortunately, I think he is right. I’m not the same open person I used to be. I’m suspicious and guarded and I hate it. But, I can’t seem to really break out of it. He says the nicest things to me and all I can think is, “yeah, sure, whatever.” I make myself say thank you but I immediately wonder what he wants or what is he up to. Nobody should feel like a simple compliment means that someone wants something. I feel like I’ve lived that way for so long though that I can’t help but feel that way. Poor Jay, I’m gonna be more of a challenge than he may realize. And I don’t mean to be difficult. Bah! I hate to admit this but maybe, sometimes unconsciously and sometimes consciously, I am testing him. That’s really horrible, I realize that. Maybe I’m just going to have to sacrifice the BIG love for just feeling safe with someone. Anyway, how can you turn down a guy that does your dishes for you, even though he didn’t make any of them?!!? Plus he’s building me an easel! He found this metal clothes hanging deal with wheels that he is going to turn into a double-sided easel! I’m excited! I’ve never been with anyone who has tried to make my life easier. What a switch!

In summary, he makes me feel good about myself, like I deserve to be happy and treated well. He makes me feel beautiful and very, very wanted. He thinks I’m intelligent (boy, I’m better at deception than I ever thought…heh). Although I can tell he is apprehensive about me going to school because he is worried about how it is going to affect “us,” he is supportive of me going. Mostly because I think he knows I’m dead set on it. And I am…I really, really am. It’s taken me so long to get this far and nothing is going to get in the way!

Oh, and Ian is in jail. Possibly for 6-7 months. What a shocker! Heh.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!