I talked to Michael across the street and I told him, “it” isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to be his across-the-street fuck. His wife is a friend. And she loves him. Whether or not he loves her is not the point. She. Loves. Him. I told him that if they can’t work things out he needs to leave. He said he couldn’t “afford” to and gestured toward the room his children were playing in. I know leaving isn’t an easy thing to do but I think using children as an excuse is a cop out. It’s an excuse to be idle, to not face your own unhappiness. I wasn’t telling Michael to leave his wife. I was telling him that I wasn’t going to be a part of his getting away without leaving. I’m not going to validate him.

When you have children your life as a human being with needs, dreams, desires, etc., shouldn’t end. I know divorce is hard on children, my mom was married three or four times, but they grow up one day and realize that parents are human. They need love and to be loved. They need to be happy and take care of themselves. The parent that leaves can still be a part of their lives. I am SO not talking at all about abandoning children. I’m also not saying to just give up or not even try. I’m talking about a “when all else fails” scenario. It takes more effort to be a part of a child’s life when a break up occurs but it can still happen. I would think it would take just as much effort to stay in a unhappy relationship. I guess it’s the effort that most people just are not willing to make. As for being able to “afford” it, can anyone really afford to wake up every morning, look at the person next to them and want to bash their face in? Can you really afford to be sitting in your car at a red light 20 years down the road and all of a sudden be hit by the realization that you’ve wasted your life with someone you just don’t love? And can you live with yourself when your children grow up only to have the same empty, loveless kind of relationship that you have? Can you live with the fact that you were their example? Whether it’s a relationship of complete indifference or constant fighting and disrespect, children come to believe that’s what constitutes a relationship. I wouldn’t think anyone would be able to “afford” to project that. I know I wouldn’t want to be responsible for that. And as a child, I wouldn’t want to bear the burden of guilt that would come from someday realizing that my parents didn’t love each other and only stayed together for me. Even worse are parents that end up resenting their children for something they did to themselves.

Personally, I would rather be alone than teach my children that a cold loveless relationship is the norm and I certainly don’t want to live that way. Children don’t fall for faux happiness the way so many people think they do. Don’t we have to set the example? I think children really must learn that things change, people and feelings change and sometimes there is just nothing that can be done. And, time absolutely must be taken to explain things. With two of my moms marriages, literally, one day we were all living together as a “family” and the next day my mom, my sister and I are moving into a new house and I’m going to a new school. Wham!! Just. Like. That. No dinnertime chitchat like “hey kids, we’re getting divorced/separating. Could you pass the peas?” Not that I particularly liked the men in my mother’s life although I’d be hard pressed to prove that since my relationships have almost mirrored hers down to the tiniest freckle.

I think the more honest you are with kids, the easier things are for them and they won’t hesitate to ask questions. If they get the impression you’re not telling the truth, they are not going to come to you for anything. I am very open and honest with Nick. When Ian went into treatment I explained to Nick the what, the why and the hopeful results of his stay. I sat him down, made certain he understood and encouraged him to ask questions. He’s caught me crying before, crying because I miss Ian. He will always ask me what’s wrong and I always tell him, “sometimes I miss your dad.” I want him to know that it’s okay to be sad about things sometimes and sometimes the most healthy thing to do is have a good cry, get it out of your system. I’m not at all above admitting to my screw-ups. I’ve apologized to him quite a few times for moving in with my sister. I explained to him that sometimes no matter how good your intentions are or how hopeful and sure you are of something, things can go wrong. Sometimes they even go horribly, miserably wrong and that his mommy seems to be much more apt to make the horribly, miserably wrong decisions. But hey, the first step is admission so I’m still working on the rest of the steps and anyway, he still loves me

Holy verbal spewage Batman...I initially meant for this entry to be about the “staying together for the children” issue that I seem to be observing rampantly in my little neighborhood alone. Actually, that’s an overstatement. It doesn’t even constitute a “neighborhood,” more like a block, a short block. Like five houses on each side of the street. Two houses are empty. One of the houses is my house. So, seven homes in which live three different married men who have propositioned me. Three out of seven. Know what.........?

THOSE NUMBERS SUCK!!! THOSE NUMBERS SUCK ASS!!!!

It goddamn makes me sad for everyone......EVERYONE!

shit......