Maybe I’m still hurting
I can’t turn the other cheek
But you know that I still love you
It’s just that I can’t speak
I look for you in everyone
And they called me on that too
I lived alone
But I was only coming back to you
~Coming Back To You --Leonard Cohen

Damn, I love Leonard Cohen.

Leaving in the too damn early a.m. to see mom. Six hours in the car with my sister and her two kids....which adds up to three kids. Mom is upset because I let Nick go with Ian but I told her that just thinking about driving for six hours with my sister screaming at her two kids and Nick made me just want to cry. Yes...just THINKING about it I can feel a panic attack coming on. And I sure the hell don’t want her yelling at Nick cause I’ll just snap on her and then be stuck in the car with her. Ugh! No, preventative murder is the best route here. I think mom understands but she still isn’t happy. I told her when she brings my oldest niece back in a month maybe just Nick and I will come. Anyway, it should be just tuh-tuh-tuh-tons o’ fun!! I am looking forward to seeing mom though. Just wish we could stay longer.

I’m still freakin’ on what to say on Sunday. Knowing Ian, I may not even have to worry about it. He seemed determine to come to California and meet me rather than me coming there to pick Nick up. Maybe I should just start writing things out. That usually gets things going. I just suck under pressure. For more than 3-1/2 years I have been waiting to get this chance to just sit down and talk to him and I just know I’m going to totally blank when the time comes.

I have to get my ass in the shower and then in bed.

If you hear anything about a woman running her car off a bridge with her sister in it, after dropping her two nieces off with nice safe, sane people, this weekend on the news........that’d be me.

Leaving now...