Because my week just isn’t sucking enough, Ian called tonight and wants me to bring Nick to JC tomorrow when he gets off work. The ONLY reason he called is because Nick called and left him a message saying he wanted to see him. This would be all fine and dandy except that I sent him a note last week saying that Nick would be out of school for a week before he started summer school. Now, tomorrow is Wednesday and Friday we are supposed to go to Terra Haute to meet my mom. Now, I cannot express enough how much I am not looking forward to driving for six hours with three kids (four if you count my sister...and I do!) in a small car but I know mom wants to see Nick and Nick wants to see his mee-maw.

I’m trying to get Nick to understand that he can’t do both, which is impossible. All he knows is that his dad wants to see him and that’s all he can focus on. Poor little guy, I can understand how he feels which is why I hate to see him so eager for the small amount of attention that Ian is willing to pay him. I remember that feeling very, very, very well. I really resent Ian for doing this to Nick, seeing him, talking to him, so infrequently that he scrambles for any amount of attention and pretty much forgets everyone and everything else in the process. I don’t want Nick growing up thinking that’s the way things are supposed to be because it’s so very NOT!! Your problems, your job, your “friends”...all those things are not to blame for treating people who love you badly. I have problems, I have worries, I have lots of times when I just wish I could be alone...but I don’t shuffle Nick off on somebody else. I don’t call Ian every time there’s a crisis or something and make him take Nick. I deal. I deal AND take good care of Nick too.

If I didn’t know Ian so well I would think maybe I’m being too harsh but I do know him. I also know that in the almost four years we have been apart, he hasn’t changed a hair. In fact, he has gotten worse. He is so very, very selfish with his time. He keeps trying to give me these reasons (see “excuses”) as to why he can’t see Nick more. Well, I say “BULLSHIT.” Buddy, you got time to play fuckin’ frisbee golf then you’ve got time to see your kid. You got time to go out drinking, you’ve definitely got time to stop abusing yourself to the extreme and spend some time with your son....while he still wants to spend time with you. I have, for so long, tried to tell Ian that Nick isn’t always going to want to spend time with him. He’s not always going to care whether or not they see each other. And that time will come even sooner if he keeps abusing Nick’s need for him. But, none of this sinks in because he truly believes he isn’t doing anything wrong.

So hell, a sucky week just wouldn’t be complete without having to see Ian. And now, for Nick, I am going to have to drive the 65 miles to JC tomorrow after work, when I had planned on working late to make up for all the money I spent this weekend. And shit, I was just in JC this weekend!!

On the fucked up neighbor front, I’ve just been staying in the house this week. I think I need to just get back to staying in my room all the time. I know I need to work more so I can get the hell out of here and away from all the situations. I’d like to work on my art work more, maybe try to read, keep up with my writing in The Spark , work on my diary template, make a page of my CDs, get my trading card list all updated and sent out to those that can help me fill the holes, send my comic needs list to Big John, etc., etc. And hey, Buffy Season IV is coming out soon. There are lots of things I can do in my room...all by myself. Lots and lots...