There is this place inside where all the good things die

Sometimes I feel like a whore

I hate the way I am around you, I'm so nervous and weird

Sometimes I feel like I'm breathing underwater

You treat me like I am on fire, like I'm something to eat

You make me hate what I see when I see me

There is this place inside where all the good things die

You make me feel like a whore

You Make Me Feel Like A Whore ~ Everclear

He FUCKIN’ KISSED ME!!! My neighbor, my friend’s husband grabbed me in their room and kissed me and she was just in the other room. He’s made it perfectly clear that he wants me to come over there at night on the weekends while she is at work. WHAT THE FUCK!!!??? He says for the last two years they have hardly even slept in the same bed. He told me he has “wanted” me ever since I moved in. Kinda gives me the creeps now that I think about it. After he finally passed out I sat up with her ALL night (until 6:30 a.m....ugh) listening to her tell me how much she loved him and how he was her “heart.” That just killed me. She was crying and she is NOT a crier. I wanted so bad to tell her to just sleep with the man every once in a while! Mostly because I felt like she was telling me all these things because she can see how much he is flirting with me. Actually, he went WAY past flirting on Thursday night. He’s so very not subtle. Last week I was standing on the porch talking to his WIFE when he came up behind me, put his whole body up against me and whispered in my ear, “do you want a beer?” His WIFE was STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME but she didn’t say a thing. Sunday he was outside fixing a chip in my windshield! I went out there and he was like, “hello sweetie, baby, honey.”

I really, really, really hate this! At first it was kind of flattering but now it’s just fully fucked up! I mean ferfucksake, our kids play together! I’m friends with his WIFE! I never ever want to be the reason for the kind of pain this kind of situation could cause. I feel bad for the both of them because they are obviously in an unhappy marriage but I resent him trying to pull me into it. Hell, he doesn’t “want” me, he wants to get laid!!

Now, I have to look at myself and wonder what the hell is wrong with me!! This is the second attached man (the first being my niece’s uncle) on this street to pull this shit with me. Am I so disposable that all I’m good for is a romp while the wife is at work?! Am I not worth the effort a relationship would take?! Am I just here for the enjoyment of others?!

I AM the invisible girl

I AM the prelude

I AM just someone he used to know

I AM NOT the girl they marry

I AM NOT “the” one

I AM NOT somebody to remember

I wrote that (among a million other things) in my journal the night I found out Ian got married. See..now...I didn’t even want to go there but it seems like I always do. I just know that I’m starting to feel that way again...