|
I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
Oh what a thing to do.
Cos you were all yellow,
I drew a line, I drew a line for you,
Oh what a thing to do,
And it was all yellow.
And your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful,
And you know, for you I'd bleed myself dry,
For you I'd bleed myself dry.
Yellow ~ Coldplay
Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need you to go
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need to be alone
I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away
I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away
With no apologies
Don‘t Stay ~ Linkin Park
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today
Somewhere I Belong ~ Linkin Park
What totally schizophrenic lyrics I chose to express how I feel.....hmmm. I’m on an insane Coldplay/Linkin Park spiral that I can’t seem to stop. Love/Hate. Black/White. Life/Death. Ying/Yang. Polarity is the key.
I’m drinking more. I have two and a half beers sitting in front of me right now. It’s bad. Not BAD bad, but not good. Drinking alone is never a good thing and I’m doing it right now. I’m just glad Ian has no phone so there is no intense desire to call him and drunkenly profess my undying, everlasting, truly fucked up, disastrous, cancerous love for him. Bleh!! FUCKING BLEH!
He used my brush. He walked into my room like he belonged, picked up my brush and used it to brush what is left of his hair. I used to love running my fingers through or grabbing a handful of that hair. It was so long and beautiful and it smelled so good and I would fill my hands with it and pull him down to me so he could kiss me the way nobody ever has. Now I have to buy a new brush. An Ian-free brush. I guess because I would never do that, I’d never walk into my ex’s and use something so personal as a hairbrush, I assume he would have the same sensitivity. Duh Dawn....fucking duh!! I’d never walk into his house and use his fucking toothbrush. I guess that’s because it would make me physically ill to do it and to him that type of action is just trying to get to me. (I swear I’m not making this shit up either, Sybil knows what I’m talking about. And then there is Holly who also has one of these.)
Grrrr....and I wanted to hug him when he was telling me all his woes. I took a step forward and then one back and forward and back and then I was dancin’...heh. Fuck, the urge was SO strong, but I stopped myself. Ah, for want of a straight jacket at that moment. I know why it was there, that feeling. He gave it to me last month when I drove Nick to him and I was going to Columbia to have a sex/guilt filled weekend with Jay. It was the weekend he bummed $5 off me and asked me to burn a Tool CD for him. The weekend he told me that all his tests from his “rehab” showed that he was a borderline sociopath (like I didn’t know that!!!). When I told him I was going to Columbia and he asked what exactly I was doing and showed WAY too much interest in my planned activities. When he told me to have fun and I said, with big enthusiastic emphasis, that I would and his eyes bugged out and he said “well, what are you doing?!?!” And stupid me, I gave him some generic answer, like “I don’t know yet.” And later, of course, I came up with a much better answer like “I don’t know, but I shaved my legs so it should be something GOOD!!!! Damn me and my slow comebacks. But anyway, “it” was there. That fucking feeling. That teeny, tiny, miniscule crumb that I seem to need to think he still cares even though in all sobriety, and even intoxicated, I know he can’t possibly care about anyone that is not HIM. Fucker!
In other fucked up news from the prairie...my neighbor across the street is hitting on me. This guy, whose wife is a friend of mine, is hitting on me. My niece went over there WAY too early the other morning and his wife, my friend, came over here knocking on the door to find out why. I ignored the knocking because NOBODY knocks for me at that time of the morning. I learned later it was my friend knocking wanting to know why my niece was over there so early. I called over there to find out what was going on and the husband, Bob, answered. Later that night I talked to Bob and he mentioned that right before I called he was downloading some file and as soon as it was done the phone rang and it was me. He said something about how cool that was because he was thinking about me right then. Yikes!! Okay, major yikes!! Then, then next night, the night of the lunar eclipse, I was over there for a cookout they were having. He came in from work and hands ME some kind of lotto ticket. His wife, my friend, is sitting there looking at him like “what the fuck?!?” I’m sitting there staring at this ticket like “what the fuck?!?” Then he says, “oops, wrong one” and I’m thinking, and then say, “what, wrong girl??” and he says “no, wrong ticket.” This is a very uncomfortable situation. I handed him back the ticket and walked outside because I honestly couldn’t think of anything else to do. Later that night we are all three sitting outside watching the waning of the eclipse and he is calling me “sweetie” and touching my leg and shit. Basically it was a very uncomfortable situation but I’m trying to blow it off because I like these people. But, it’s making me nervous because this guy is not at all repulsive but he is so very married to somebody I feel is a friend and more than anything I don’t want her to be freaking out. Fuck.....I need to move!!
Then, there is the stalker boy who just tonight got kicked out of his shed so I don’t think I will have to worry about him for a while. But that is totally another story and this is already too fucking long.......
|
