Just before our love got lost you said,
"I am as constant as a northern star."
And I said, "Constantly in the darkness?
Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar."
On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada Oh Canada
With your face sketched on it twice
Oh, you are in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you, darling
And still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet.
Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time you told me, you said,
"Love is touching souls"
Well surely you touched mine
'Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you, darling
And still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said,
"Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed"
But you are in my blood
You're my holy wine
So bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling
And still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet.
~A Case of You -- Joni Mitchell

Ian is going to be a daddy again. I found out from Nick right as I was trying to go to sleep tonight. Obviously, I'm not sleeping now. I want to say he is a coward for not telling me but it's not really my business anyway. I really shouldn't care. I really shouldn't be crying or feeling like there is a hot coal lodged in my throat, like all I want to do is scream until my ears burst. I really should forget that nobody has ever kissed me the way he did. I really should forget how good he smells and how he tastes. I really shouldn't miss him...but I do...I really fuckin' do and I really want to kick my own ass for feeling that way. Actually, I’m sure I could find a few people who would do it for me.

Things were said when he picked Nick up and dropped him off this weekend that never should have been said. I tried so fucking hard to keep my mouth shut, to lie, to just keep the conversation to a minimum but he hung around and that always fucks me up. He hung around to bum money off me and I gave it to him because I am stoopid. He actually asked me for money again when he dropped Nick off. (pick your jaw up off the floor Sybil) I guess his mom had given him a “bunch” of money this weekend and he lost it. (He also lost his cell phone and his wife managed to wreck their car while they were up there. Yes, these people really NEED to have another child.) It was so fucking hard to tell him no because for so long I have wanted to help him, have tried so hard to help him and I told him why I couldn't do it anymore. I told him that as much as I wanted to help I couldn't because it hurt me to do it. It hurts because he is using what I still feel for him against me and that makes me angry and sad at the same time. Angry because he has so little regard for me and sad because I have wasted so much on him...SO FUCKING MUCH!!!..and still it means nothing to him....and still I love him.

He called here after he dropped Nick off. He wanted me to tell Nick that he loved him and give him a kiss and a hug for him. It scared me because it sounded like the call I got from him last year and I fell for it again because, well, I’m an ASS. I got freaked out and asked him what was going on, was he okay, did I need to worry about him, etc. All the fucking things he wanted to elicit from me with the call. If he hadn’t wanted to scare me he would have asked for Nick and told him that himself. But, yes, once again I freaked out. He said he was okay, relatively speaking, and that he wasn’t going to do anything but he would let me know what was going on. He promised he would call. I’m thinkin’, yeah, sure you will. I realize the ruse. I see exactly what he is doing. But, if anything WERE to happen to him...well, I just don’t know. I just don’t know why I care, but I do.

What the hell is wrong with me?!? Really, there is something very SERIOUSLY WRONG with me!! I keep wondering and saying, “what will it take for Ian to straighten up?” when I should be asking “what the FUCK is it going to take for me to get the FUCK OVER THIS?!?!” Why can’t I just move on? Why can’t I just fucking forget? Maybe I just haven’t tried hard enough but I don’t know what else I can do. I need a fucking interpreter around when he calls or comes to get Nick. I figure it would go something like this:

Me: You need money? Here’s $15, go fill your truck up.
Interpreter: What? You’re fucking asking me for money? Why don’t you go home and ask your fucking wife for money, or your mommy or your wife’s mommy? I ain’t wipin’ your ass for you anymore boy.

Me: I’m sorry things are so bad for you, that you are having so many problems. I shouldn’t be saying this but, if you ever need me, I’m here for you.
Interpreter: Somebody call the wahhh-mbulance, Ian’s having a hard time. Well, it’s about fucking time you had to take some responsibility for your actions. So, you may go to jail huh? Sounds to me like that’s where you belong. And what the hell are you telling me about it for? Shouldn’t you be talking to your wife about this shit. Hell, you’re her problem now, not mine!!

Me: I still love you and I don’t want anything to happen to you. Try to take care of yourself.
Interpreter: Fuck off!!!!!!

That was supposed to make me feel better...