You crawled away from me
Slipped away from me
I tried to keep a hold,
but there was nothing I could say.
So what you’re trying to say
is you don’t wanna play.
But what you want and what you need
doesn’t mean fuck to me.
Crawl Away ~ Tool

I had the strangest encounter with someone claiming to be Ian earlier in the week. I was reluctant to take the call but unfortunately I was across the street when it came in and Nick was on the phone with him by the time I got back over here. I didn’t want to refuse to talk to him in front of Nick. He’s been wanting to see his dad so bad lately and I knew I’d have to talk to him sooner or later. Before the big blow up last Thursday we talked about him taking Nick this weekend and I wanted to see if that was still going to happen. He was calm, he was sensible, he was apologetic, he was....taken over by an alien life form! I told him that I was also sorry for exploding, that the comments from the peanut gallery were what really set me off. I’ve taken enough abuse off of him and I’m damn sure NOT taking any off of her! He told me that he did finally tell her to shut up. Guess I missed that part during my tirade. Oh well, I obviously needed to do that or else it wouldn’t have come so easy. I told him that no matter what he thought, I have agonized over the situation, losing sleep and thinking about it a lot, and what it all comes down to is that I have to look out for Nick. He seemed to understand that. At least he said he did. It was as pleasant a conversation as it gets with him. We made plans for him to take Nick this weekend and ended the conversation with him apologizing for having to go but his battery was dying. The conversation was straying anyway, to things beyond Nick and THAT is what I do not want. I can’t do it. I’ve realized until there is no feeling left for him, we can’t talk about anything beyond Nick. It’s just not conducive to what I am trying to rebuild.

Well, the next morning the pleasantness had worn off. He called to tell me that he would meet me in California, Mo to pick Nick up but he didn’t know what time yet. I told him that I needed to talk to him about Nick and his attitude at school and home. He sounded disgusted by that and then I got defensive.

“I guess you don’t really want to know about how he is doing in school since you have never asked about it.” I said.
“Don’t make me out to be a monster, Dawn. I ask him how he is doing in school.”

Oh, well yeah, cause a seven year old is going to tell you all about the good and bad in that case. Fuck it! I’ve figured it all out. I’m gonna be the mean mom who tells him “no” and makes him do his homework when he’d rather be outside playing, and Ian is gonna be “fun” dad, who lets him stay up late and run around doing whatever. Oh well, even if we had stayed together it probably would have worked out that way. I realize that later in life Nick will probably appreciate my effort on his part. Right now though, he seems to hate me most of the time. Dad is the hero and mom is the wicked witch.

So, I am off this weekend. Out the door as soon as Nick gets home. We are meeting Ian at some park with a big stone turkey. Yeah, I have no idea! A big stone turkey...kind of appropriate though...heh. I, on the other hand, am heading to Columbia to have some sex and check out the comic/card shops there in search of Buffy! I’m sick to death of bidding on a single card only to get out bid at the last minute or watching the bidding on a SINGLE card go up to $20+. I need to stick to $3-4 comics.

I tried glossing right over the sex part but yeah, I’m going to go see Jay. Why suffer without when I don’t have to?! I’m going to make things perfectly clear though. I’m not looking to start ANYTHING up again. I just need to get the hell out of here and Sybil works on Friday and Saturday and I could seriously do with a good....well, you know.

Saturday night I’m heading up to see my sweet Sybil and watch Moulin Rouge....WHOO-HOO!! And hopeful drink until drunk! And Sybil, if I don’t show up, Ian finally killed me and buried me under the big stone turkey.

Have a GREAT weekend!!