Is this all that's left
Of my life before me
Straight jacket memories, sedative highs
No happy ending like they've always promised
There's got to be something left for me
Eyes Of A Stranger ~ Queensryche

You say, "Son, let's forget the past,
I want another chance, gonna make it last."
You're begging me for a brand new start,
trying to mend a bridge that's been blown apart,
but you know... you never built it dad.

Time has made you finally realize
your loneliness and your guilt inside.
You're reaching for something you never had,
turning around now you're looking back,
and you know... I'm not there.
Bridge ~ Queensryche

Disclaimer: If you don’t appreciate the not-so-fine art of cussin’ to get points across, I’d definitely go no further. I’m just sayin’.

None of this is going to make any sense because nothing makes sense. Fuck form and style, I can hardly complete a full thought much less put one down in print. I’m just hoping this will help because unfortunately, I have no sedatives. Ian called today. He called yesterday also, mostly to tell me how much his life sucks and to mention again the child support. Trying to play the sympathy card. The “I may go to prison” boo-hoo thing. I basically told him that I didn’t know what to say about that and then corrected myself saying that I had lots of things I could say but it didn’t matter because they had all been said before to no effect. I was able to tell him that I understood how he felt about his sick friend because I had felt the same way about him. I walked around with that fear every day and it’s no fuckin’ way to live. Nearing the end of the call he asked me to tell Nick that he loved him and to give him and hug and that he would tell Nick he was sorry himself. I said that I would let him do that, and he hung up on me. WTF!!! Since he had called on my sister’s cell, I had his number and called him back. He said he hung up on me because of the way I said he could tell Nick he was sorry himself and they way I had said there were lots of things I could say about him going to jail. Who fucking cares. The fucking call was basically to try to get me to drop the child support and I wasn’t responding the way he’d hope. The way I used to. He just doesn’t get it that if he goes to prison, he fucking put himself there!! I don’t even know what happened with the rest of the conversation because it was just SO fucking overshadowed by what happened today. The call today was a result of him finally picking up the registered mail from child support enforcement from the post office. Right off he asks me why it went from $177 to $2?? a month and why “all of a sudden” (bullshit) he is responsible for insurance on Nick. I told him that I had no idea why it went up, that I have only gotten one thing from CSE and it said $177 and ALSO said that he was going to be responsible for insurance. He tells me that I HAVE to know, they don’t just do that for no reason. Well fuckwad, I DON’T KNOW!! It’s not like I can call them up and say “hey, I just don’t think he is getting fucked properly, let’s do it harder...mwaaahhh!” He told me his work insurance was outrageous and that he would be basically working for free once he paid the insurance and child support out of his check. I asked him who the hell he thought had insurance on both kids for years? Whose insurance paid for Nick’s three-week stint in NICU?!?! His answer, “I don’t know.” Ex-fucking-actly!! He never knew shit cause he never provided shit!! I had to claim bankruptcy in my name partially because of those hospital bills. I had people threatening to garnish my wages and now he is and I am supposed to say “oh, I’m sorry Ian for upsetting YOUR little world!” The whole time I could hear his fucking wife in the background say, “fuck it, just fuck this, fuck this.” That was pretty much the end for me, I hit that point where you think you can’t lose it anymore and then you do and I told him, “you tell that fucking bitch to shut the fuck up!! Remember, her fucking income has NOTHING to do with this, this is between YOU AND ME!! You fucking tell her to shut up or I’m going to come up there and stomp the shit out of her!!” I heard “don’t even...” and then I hung up. Of course the phone rings again instantly. I picked it up and he said, “nah, it’s not even worth it.” And I hung up again. I was fucking LIVID!! I remembered seeing something in the child support papers about him being advised not to call me about the proceedings so I called my worker. She, of course, was not at her desk. I was so fucking enraged!! I felt that since he brought this on he needed to experience some of it so I called him back. I didn’t give him a chance to say shit and I went way off a little something like this... “DO NOT CALL ME ABOUT THIS AGAIN!!! YEAH, I KNOW IT’S NOT FUCKING WORTH IT IAN. MAYBE THAT’S WHAT I’LL TELL NICK HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM THE NEXT TIME HE WANTS TO SEE YOU. I’LL TELL HIM YOUR NEW SON AND YOUR NEW FAMILY ARE FUCKING WORTH IT!! THEY DESERVE TO HAVE INSURANCE BUT HE DOESN‘T!! THEY ARE WORTH YOUR TIME AND EFFORT BUT HE ISN’T! AND I SWEAR, YOU TELL THAT BITCH TO SHUT UP OR I WILL COME UP THERE AND BEAT HER DOWN, AFTER I TELL HER THAT YOU FUCKED ME!!” click...... He, of course, called back several times between the cell phone and the house phone. I asked my sister’s boyfriend to answer it and tell him I wasn’t going to talk to him. He decided to just let them ring. Whatever! Either way is pretty fucking effective.

I hate that I went off like that. I hate that he can evoke that response from me. I hate that I have that inside of me. Wait, no I don’t because really all I want is to be able to take care of Nick and I want to do that without having to work myself to death. Not that I’m afraid of work but with Ian being a suck ass father, I have to be two parents. Nick will never be able to enjoy anything he should because I will be working all the time and I won’t have time to take him anywhere or just spend with him. I grew up with that shit and it sucked and it’s not fair. WE decided together to have Nick and even when we were together he didn’t hardly help. The problem is, I do feel bad. I never intended to take everything. I did end up speaking with my worker. She said she had spoken to his boss and she was told that with Ian paying the insurance and child support out of his check every month, he will actually be SHORT on the child support. PER MONTH!! And from what I understood that is with him taking home NOTHING! WHAT THE FUCK kind of insurance do they have?!?! Fucking for real!?!?! The damn child support is only $177 per month!! (not $200 something like Ian had said, it is $200+ RIGHT now because he is ALREADY behind, it’s due on the 15th and March was his first month to pay.) I don’t think I can live with that. And it’s not really because of Ian because he has never really shown me much in the way of sympathy but, that doesn’t mean I have to become him. And, I’m afraid he will resent Nick. I’m damn sure not going to feel comfortable with Nick being at the house of the big ass mouth. I could drop the insurance issue but then what I am going to do for insurance for him. I could drop the money issue but then we could really use it. My sister came in, trying to help and I told her that I felt bad about this because I didn’t think ANYBODY, rat bastard or not, should have to work and not bring home a paycheck, even a small one. She, not really thinking I don’t think, said she would feel bad too and not for Ian or the bitch but for their son. And I just looked at her and said, “huh?...and who is going to feel bad for Nick? Do you think they feel bad for him? She has an income. They have her mom help them out all the time! Who helps me with Nick?!” All she could say was, “oh, yeah, good point” and then she left the room.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. And I felt that way even more so when about 10 minutes after my tirade on the phone with Ian, I got another phone call. Yes, all the way from California I was being told by my daughter’s aunt, with whom she lives, that my daughter was suspended from school for two days for “almost” smoking pot in school! I just can’t go through that phone call right now, or the one after that I made to my daughter. I need sleep for that and I don’t know how much it’s going to take. All I will say is that it did not go well. Not. At. All.