Ian called me maybe a month ago, I don’t remember. I haven’t written about this call because I didn’t know how I felt about it. After last night, I now know. He told me that a friend of his, a friend he had while we were together, was in a coma and was very likely to not make it. He was very upset by this. He said he couldn’t stand to see another friend buried. At that comment I thought, but did not say, that was how it was living with him. I got to the point where I couldn’t stand the thought of possibly waking up one morning to find him OD’ed or having choked on his own vomit next to me. Or, even worse, one of the kids finding him. It would have done no good to say it as it has been said before in so many ways to no avail. He only gets it now because it is how HE feels and it is a great excuse to do what he does next.

So, his friend is in a coma and he’s distraught, so what does he do? He goes out and does what most likely contributed to his friend’s condition in some way or another over the years. He gets high. He does the one thing that will cause him to lose everything. He is one month out from treatment and on such strict probation that he can’t even work in an establishment that serves alcohol. So, he goes out and gets high. But this isn’t his fault. No, it’s the fault of his friend. If he hadn’t been in a coma, if he wasn’t near death, if Ian’s dad hadn’t been a prick, if his mom had only loved him, if some asshole hadn‘t cut him off in traffic, if he‘d been able to find a matching pair of socks that morning. It’s always somebody else at fault. And now things are the fault of his probation office, for doing his job and testing Ian, finding him dirty and being a “prick” about the whole thing. He is now looking at prison.

Hearing all of this I went blank for about two seconds. Then, my head filled up with about a million things to say and in quickly running through every one of them I knew I had said them all before. They were all “I told you so” and “I’m not surprised” etc. I realized that all of the time, work and love I had put into making him realize that he was worth something, that he could be something great, that he was loved and needed, smart and funny was for nothing. I believe Ian chose his path a long time ago. He has lead the life he wanted to lead knowing full well the consequences and no matter how much I, or Nick or his new family, love him this is what he has always wanted. Nobody ever could have loved him enough to sway him from his ultimate goal. In some fucked up, kind of sad way, this all made me feel better. All this time I’d believed that I had failed him when really I had no chance from the very start. He hadn’t loved his wife and new son more than Nick and me. He had been willing to give them up just as easily as he had us. I’m not the Big Bad after all.

I think he was really expecting an “I told you so” but I just said that I was sorry to hear about his friend and that I really didn’t know what to say about the rest of the news. Then he said what enlightened me to the reason for the phone call and the path that he envisioned it would take.

“I don’t mean to be crass but, this really isn’t your concern anymore.”

Before he even got the last syllable out of his mouth, I said, “then why are you telling me?”

He stammered around for a second, “um...well, I’m going to have to tell Nick at some point so...”

He was playing the sympathy card because with me it has always worked in the past. But this time it was different. I am different. I was waiting for this huge anxiety attack and all the heart felt agony over his situation, the “I love you” statements and offerings of help, etc., etc. and so was he. He was counting on it. But, it didn’t happen that way so he continued to try to push buttons and continued to fail to evoke the response he was looking for. I think my short answers and not giving in was mostly due to the fact that I was stunned into an almost mute state by the fact that I didn’t really care that much!! For the sake of my son, I hated the fact that Ian may go to prison. Beyond that, it’s something I knew was going to happen sooner or later.

That call was in early March. I didn’t hear from him again until last night. He wanted to know what the story was with the child support and I asked him what he meant by “what’s the story.” He said he had gotten a big packet from CSE full of legal mumbo-jumbo and he was trying to get my W2’s subpoenaed so he could prove I made more than I claimed. I told him how much I made last year, which was $10,000 less than what I made the last year we were together, and I don’t think he expected that. He said that was still $1,000 more than he made.

“Maybe,” I said, “but you also have two incomes.”

“THAT is totally separate from this! This is between you and me!”

I don’t know the laws in this state regarding this type of situation but he may very well be surprised to find out he is wrong about that. But, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell him. I told him he can do whatever the hell he wants because once the State is involved, it is out of my hands. I can’t call them off. Now, I don’t know how true that is but obviously, neither does he. I also didn’t tell him that, even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t. He offered to give me $100 a month. They are only asking him to pay $177, which I don’t think is that bad. In all the years we have been apart he hasn’t given me shit, like I’m going to take his word that he will actually do this?! Uh...I’m really thinking a big NO!! Just like his wife’s income has nothing to do with the child support that Nick DESERVES, his problems aren’t mine. Neither Nick nor I are the cause of his shit and certainly should not have to suffer him anymore. He went on to say that he wasn’t really a bad person and blah, blah, blah. I told him that I already knew that and had I ever really believed he was a “bad” person, I wouldn’t have tried so hard and stayed so long. Before I could tell him that basically he is just a weak person, we got cut off. When he didn’t call back I assumed he had gotten the information he wanted. I am not going to drop the child support.

Tomorrow I am calling my worker. I am going to ask her if he has been told not to call me about any of this because I remember seeing something like that in the paperwork. It dawned on me (heh) that the last three phone calls I have gotten from him have revolved around the child support issue. He doesn’t ask about Nick, how he’s doing in school or just in general. He doesn’t ask if he is awake or at home. He has his agenda and it’s all about The Ian. He is a FUCKING FUCK!!!! And me...I’m sick of it and I‘m done!

I watched my son sleep tonight and I silently begged him to forgive me for making such a bad choice in fathers for him. I hope that he does not grow up believing he is a reflection of his father. I believe that is a big part of what went wrong in Ian. He wanted so badly to not be his father, that he did and he hates it and denies it when under all those layers of pain he knows its true and knows it didn’t have to be. I pray Nick has more strength than that.