SIGHTS: Solipsist ~~ Henry Rollins
SOUNDS: The Hurting-Tears For Fears

Get in line with the things you know
Feel the Pain
Feel the sorrow
Touch the hurt and don’t let go
Get in line with the things you know
Learn to cry
Like a baby
Then the hurting won’t come back
~The Hurting - Tears For Fears

Say what you want
Say what you will
Cos’ I find you think what makes it easier

My sister is going to see Pat’s band play on the 29th. If she flakes out, like she regularly does, I’m going in her place. We just had a little conversation about the band and how good Pat is when you can hear her. We were talking about what an ass EgoBoy is and how B., Pat’s boyfriend, never sticks up for her and what a chicken shit thing that is. I was telling her about my EgoBoy experience and about what a full on pig he is. I told her about Scott offering to sit behind EgoBoy on the way back last time. I got the impression that Scott must be new to the band because my sister asked me if he was cute. Since my sister has known Pat for three years and has seen them play before and she doesn’t know what Scott looks like, he has to be pretty new. I told her yes, he is cute, he’s a beautiful baby! She asked if he was nice to me and again, I said yes, he was definitely VERY “nice” to me...heh. I really had to hold back on laughing out loud.

I didn’t tell anybody, except my girl Sybil, what happened that night. And, of course, anybody that happens to read my diary. (I totally forgot to tell Mel...shit! I keep forgetting she doesn’t have internet access right now.) I guess I’m just not into talking about what a slut I am...heh.

I still have a lot of work to do. I don’t really believe I’m a slut. I guess I’m just worried other people will think I am. I spent 10 years with someone that I loved more than myself . I guess because of that, and the fucked up ideas I got growing up watching too many unrealistic romantic movies, I have this fucked up notion that you have to love someone to fuck them. I should say HAD because I am finding it much more simple to not love. The feelings of guilt are fading fast. I’ve always felt that if I talked about things like what happened with Scott with certain people, they would look at me and think that I just sleep with anyone. Does wanting some sexual human contact without a relationship make somebody a slut? (I’m really hating that word. It’s a juvenile word and I’m done using it.) Had I kicked my son out of our bed just so I could have sex, THAT would have been wrong. That would have been a guilt-worthy offense in my opinion.

As long as nobody gets hurt, what the fuck do I care what people think!? As long as Nick isn’t effected in any way, why should I feel bad?! Nick got a little too attached to Jay and I regret that because I had no intention of staying with him. That wasn’t fair to Nick. But on the flip side of that, I have Nick ALL THE TIME. It’s not like I have many opportunities to get out alone and I will have even less when I move out of here. I seriously doubt I will ask my sister to watch Nick much, if at all. Because of something that I will talk about in a different entry, and because he has NEVER been in any way reliable, I won’t be able to count on Ian taking Nick much if at all. Like I’ve been able to count on him for anything besides being a total fuckwad?!

And, why should people feel sorry for me? Because I don’t have a boyfriend/husband/steady lover? I mean, somebody actually asked my sister the other day if I was looking for a boyfriend because she has a brother...blah...blah...blah. All I heard was that he is in his 30s and lives with his mother and then my ears closed in on themselves and issued a high-pitched siren that caused my eyes to bleed. What, do I look like I’m “lookin” for a boyfriend? You know who I feel sorry for? The people who spend their lives in a totally loveless relationship because of children or because they are to lazy to leave. My relationship with Ian may have been shit but I ALWAYS loved him. I would rather be alone and have meaningless sex than to wake up every morning next to somebody that I have no feelings for at all. That, to me, is death. I've already used up 10 years of my life trying to save somebody who didn't want to be saved and I'm not going to die like that now. I'll die having not loved again before I do that.

These people here don’t know shit about me because I really don’t want to know them. If I were to let them know anything about me they would in some way use it against me. I've seen them do it. They think they know me and I like to let them go with it. It amuses me. They think I sit in this room all the time and talk on line (which I hardly ever do) and who knows what else they think I do. They are ALL backstabbers and bullshitters. Their idea of fun is to see who can light the biggest fart (I really, really wish I was kidding). Me, I’m a Watcher...I watch. I listen. I see. And it all makes me sick. I don’t want to be any part of this “group.” I’ve managed to start meeting people on my own and I’m just biding my time until I can get the hell out of here.

Maybe I sound like an asshole but I’ve really tried to find some redeeming qualities in my sister’s boyfriend (not to mention any explanation for why she is even with him), his friends and family, but there just aren’t any. The best thing I can say is....umm....still searching......