SIGHTS: Solipsist ~~ Henry Rollins
SOUNDS: Modern Rock Love Songs

i would go shopping and still
it would not come
i'd leave the country and still
it would not come
i would scream and rebel still
it would not come
i would stuff my face and still
it would not come
~Would Not Come - ALANIS MORISSETTE

I need to finish this ridiculously drawn out entry. Details be damned, from here out it’s the basics.

We get a room, we go up to it, we take off all our clothes and we have “The Sex.” Whoo-hoo? Well, kinda. Pretty much it was just your basic sex, nothing spectacular but like I can be picky or something. Honestly, him being a Beautiful Baby aside, the boy was just too damn bony for me. He hurt my tender little thighs...heh. When it was over (that makes it sound like it was horrible but it wasn’t) I turned over with my back to him. He asked me what was wrong and I lied and said “nothing.” I lied because, A) asking that is like someone asking how you are, usually they don’t really want to know, they’re just being polite (yes, I hate that sometimes I am so terribly cynical) and B) I wasn’t sure if there really was anything wrong. I was waiting. I was waiting for the tears, the flood of guilt, the feeling like I wished I was somewhere else with someone else. I actually tried to cry. I tried to bring on those horrible feelings because they are so normal for me and insanely comforting. But.....the didn’t come! I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t feel bad, dirty, guilty. I even held out a bit of sanity for them and they didn’t take the bait.

Am I free? Do I dare even think that? Can I really believe that the feelings of betraying something that is only recently just breathing it’s dying breaths will not come back? I don’t want to contemplate it too much, I just want to bask in the absence of it all. And that is what I did.

I turned back over to face Scott. He asked again what was wrong and this time I didn’t have to lie when I said “nothing.” He said I was being flippant and I asked in what way did he mean that.

Him: “I don’t really know. I’m not even sure what that means.”
Me: (stifling a laugh) “I know what it means but, ummm...okay. I don‘t really know how to act.”
Him: “Don’t act at all.”

Good point.

If I really was acting flippant that is a super switch for me and probably much safer. I’m thinking...distant good...dramatic bad. Uninvolved good...involved bad. I tend to fall in love and pain at the drop of a hat and I was shocked to find this NOT happening. I knew what it was and it was actually okay. No wishful thinking, no peering into the future, no happily ever after. Now that deserves a WHOO-HOO!

That all quickly worked out, I put my head on his chest while he flipped channels on the TV. And guess what he came across on the tube? It’s 6:00 a.m. and what is on......Buffy! Yes, Buffy! And it wasn’t just ANY Buffy EP, it was “New Moon Rising,” which includes the following dialogue between Willow and Oz:

WILLOW: I missed you, Oz. I wrote you so many letters... but I didn't have any place to send them, you know? (Pause.) I couldn't live like that.
OZ: It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting.
WILLOW: I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?
OZ: I know. (Pause) But now is not that time, I guess.
WILLOW: (shakes her head) No. What are you gonna do?
OZ: I think I better take off.
WILLOW: When?
OZ: Pretty much now.

Eerie and cathartic....HELL YES!!

This whole experience with Scott did wonders for me, for my self-esteem and I can enjoy it because nobody got hurt. Before we even got out to the truck I was blocking and shooting down any feelings that would ruin it for me. I had no feelings of being used. I didn’t care if he didn’t ever call me or come see me. I was appreciating it for what it was...a good time...without the guilt and it was FUCKING AWESOME!!! This is all a first for me and a damn big deal. I was quiet all the way home. I was really trying to brood but it just would not come. When we got to my house I went to get out of the truck and he asked if I was okay and I told him yes, that I really was okay. We didn’t exchange phone numbers, we didn’t say “see ya later,” I just said “bye.”