SIGHTS: Solipsist ~~ Henry Rollins
SOUNDS: William Shakespeare‘s Romeo & Juliet ~ Music from the Motion Picture

people worry
what are they worrin’ about today
people worry
nah, you see I've learned my lessons
and I don't even want to hear about your confessions
~Confessions-Violent Femmes

I'm not your carefree, nor sugarless
Like the gum on your shoe,
I'm not the ring 'round your finger
Nor am I wrapped around you
I'm not your shoe string, your rope thing
So don't tie me in a knot
I'm not your asphalt, with oil spots
So don't use me as a parking lot
~Doormat-No Doubt

The scene that I was expecting did not happen, which is a good. I did let Nick go with Ian but I also stuck up for myself. Yeah me! I wasn’t happy with the fact that I rushed home and he didn’t get here until 7:30. From what he told Nick he was going to be here when he got off the school bus. Oh well, its not like I was enjoying myself browsing through Hasting without a seven-year-old to distract me. Humph!

I answered the door when he got here. Some of my sister’s friends were here and I was really grateful for that. I do much, much better when other people are around. Bolder. More likely to follow through and not fold. So, I asked him, “you got five bucks?”

HIM: What for?
ME: Pretty much because I had plans for this weekend but nobody bothered to ask me if you could take Nick.
HIM: I mentioned it the other day.
ME: To me?
HIM: No, to Nick. You said you didn’t want to talk to me anymore (this is the part where he plays dumb and tries to throw shit back at me).
ME: Ian, think about it! Obviously I will talk to you about Nick. Otherwise, we have nothing to talk about. I’m not going to sit around and wait for you to come see him since it’s been two months....
HIM: I was in treatment.
ME: And before that it was three months. This weekend is his school carnival and I‘ve already paid for tickets.
HIM: I don’t have $5 but I will send it back with him.

At that point I went back inside to get Nick. He wanted to take some of his PS games with him so he asked me to ask his dad to hang on. Going back out into the living room one of my sisters friends said, “Hey Dawn, I’ve got five bucks if it’s that important to ya.”

ME: It’s not the money, it’s the principle.
THEM: Yea, I understand. I haven’t gotten my child support in months.
ME: Don’t feel bad, I’ve never gotten any.

And upon opening the door, Ian, who has heard everything says, “You never got any from Albert either.”

ME: Yeah, well, his parents helped me out a lot.
HIM: Well, I’m sorry my parents aren’t rich enough to make up for me. (Oh, the things I could have said in response to THAT!) And, I DO understand the principle. Next time I will let you know what is going on.
ME: Good, I’m glad you understand.
HIM: You obviously have a lot of points to make.
ME: Yes Ian, I do have a lot of points to make.
HIM: Well, what are they? (this is him trying to bait me into a conversation that I don’t want to have.)
ME: Well Ian, um...they are...pretty much pointless now. My points are pointless...they have no point.

Nick came out then...thank Goddess. He gave me a big hug and kiss and they were gone. And dumbass me forgot to get a phone number. He gets me so wonky every time.

The thing about me not getting child support from Albert, my daughter’s father, is true. But there are also things Ian doesn’t know. Not only did they send her money and pay for her to fly out to CA every summer, buy her clothes, etc., they helped me out financially several times and I didn’t tell him about it because I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want him to feel guilty. Maybe I made the wrong decision. Maybe it would have lit a fire under his ass to help the household out more than his drug habit. I doubt it though. There were plenty of instances where he could have proven what was more important and he made the choice of substances over his family.

And I noticed that he looked really sad tonight. Luckily there were four people listening to every word we said so the desire to ask him what was wrong wasn’t as strong as it would ordinarily be. But, it was still there. I used to love talking to him, almost as much as touching him, so it’s FUCKIN’ HARD not to. I know, I need to stop noticing, I need to stop caring. I should be happy that he is unhappy, but I’m not. Not at all.

Tomorrow I have to go to Queen City (the comic book shop) and get my Buffy lunchboxes before the guy forgets why he has them set aside. I also think I’m going to go get something pierced. I’d so love to get some ink but that will just have to wait.

I’m off to watch One Hour Photo.