SIGHTS: Sunnydale High Yearbook ~~ Christopher Golden & Nancy Holder

SOUNDS: The Better Life ~~ 3 Doors Down

She spends her days up in the North Park, watching the people as they pass
And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream, is that too much to ask
With a safe home, and a warm bed, on a quiet little street
All she wants is just that something to hold onto, that’s all she needs

I’ve had about a thousand things that I have wanted to write about but I have been lazy.....and ashamed of my last entry. I’m ashamed and disappointed with myself for still dwelling on something that has been over for three and a half years. But that’s not what I want to write about right now.

Cat is the name of the girl I met last Thursday. (For some reason, at 33, I still refer to most women my age or younger as girls. I wonder why that is. Maybe it’s a Michael Jackson complex...okay, that was uncalled for...heh.) She seems very nice, very intelligent, somebody I would enjoy hanging out with. She has the same nervous habits as me, i.e. talking too much when first meeting someone, and that made me feel more comfortable. We have a lot in common. We both like Buffy and Angel. We are both pagan, although she has shamanistic leanings and I am going Wicca way. We both have little boys. We both live with siblings.

This last item is what got me a little wiggy. We were talking about our respective situations and the basic suckage of them. She is in a much worse situation, living with her brother, I believe she said she is sleeping on a couch and, worst of all, her sister-in-law won’t allow her son to stay there so he is with his grandparents or something. I’ve thought twice about putting too much info on here about her because I feel it’s such an invasion of her privacy, but I will say that the situation is very confusing and sad. What got me freaked was in talking about our situations I mentioned that I would be moving out as soon as school was out because I promised my sister I would stay until then. Immediately she said, “I would be willing to be roommates with you.” Now, we had been in each others company for maybe 20 minutes so I was kind of like “whoa there!” I stuttered around a bit before saying that I would be okay and be able to afford to do it on my own, but it really stuck in my head and made me a bit off center. She had mentioned within the first 10 minutes of our meeting that she felt a connection with me and felt comfortable talking to me. That is all really cool but what I really, really don’t need is someone moving into my life at such a rate. I don’t need anybody MOVING into my life period. I’ve made far too many mistakes in the past with immediately trusting people and letting things move WAY too fast and then being unable to have the guts to do anything about it when things turn bad. I’ve suffered for it and so have my kids and I can’t let that happen again. I’m not saying that this is what she was even aiming towards. I’m not saying anything bad about her because maybe she was just trying to be nice. Mostly, I’m just pointing my faults out to myself because I need to be more aware of things. I don’t want to FINALLY get my own place again, my own peace, just to have somebody move into it. And more than anything I’m worried about my own actions. If we become better friends I know that it will pain me to see her in such a bad situation and, ever the saver of everyone but myself, I will want to help her. I have learned too many lessons in the recent past that living with other people DOES NOT work out! Unless of course, they sleep in your bed every night and even those, well..... What I think I hate the most is that I have to be so careful. I hate not being able to be more trusting. It saddens me greatly. All that aside, I like this girl. I also feel a connection there. We have made tentative plans to go to Warrensburg to check out bookstores and go to the witchy shop there. Maybe I will suggest this Friday. I need to get out of here for an afternoon and that is the soonest I will be able to. Also, strangely, she e-mailed me Saturday suggesting that when it gets warmer, maybe we could take the boys camping. What was strange about it is that before we actually met, when she told me she had a little boy and because I got Nick a camping set, I thought if things worked out and we got along, we could all go camping. Coincidence? I do not know.