Secrets of your life
I never wanted for myself
But you guarded them like a lie
Placed up on the highest shelf
In the morning of the night
When I woke to find you gone
I knew your distant devil
Must be draggin' you along

And you swore that you were bound for glory
And for wanting you had no shame
But I loved you
And then I lost you
And I will never be the same

I Will Never Be The Same ~~ Melissa Etheridge

What I WANT to sit up and do tonight:

Wonder if this new girl I met tonight is going to try to be my roommate (something I will cover in an entry tomorrow).

Cry.

Respond to something Keryanna said in her entry today because it made me think (and because she ROCKS).

Cry.

Wish Valentine’s Day over with as quickly and painlessly as possible (to late on the painless part).

Cry.

Smoke....a lot....of cigarettes. (I’m a dirty, stinkin’, filthy smoker).

Remember the Valentine’s Day right after Nick was born and was still in the hospital very sick with meningitis. In all the chaos at the time Ian remembered to get me something and he apologized for not being able to do more. And me, being just SO DAMN HAPPY that he even spoke to me because he had been so quiet and I thought he blamed me for Nick’s illness.

Cry harder.

Remember how fucking great he smelled and how sometimes, I could smell him powerfully for an instant even before he would walk in the front door.

I think the crying part is pretty much a given by now.

Remember how when he would hug me it would be like he enveloped me into the most comforting space I’ve ever known, a place I never wanted to leave. And about how, sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still feel that.

Wonder when a day is going to go by that I don’t think about him, good or bad.

Wonder how many MORE years its going to take before I can look at him or talk to him without that fucking hurt that won’t seem to go away.

Remember....wonder....remember....wonder

What I’m GOING to do:

Drag my ass to bed.

Happy Valentine’s Day.....and I mean that....seriously.