I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but she’s
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear, you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill

He’s out and already asking me for favors. He called about 20 minutes before Nick got home from school and asked me to explain to Nick why he had not been in touch, that he had been in treatment. I really felt this was something he should do himself but I agreed to it because I really didn’t want to fight with him and I REALLY didn’t want to draw the conversation out any longer than possible. But, as usual, he is determined to do this no matter how many one-word answers I give him. I do have to give him credit though, he started out strong but didn‘t get too far before making me want to scream.

Him: I wanted you to know that I’m sorry about how I reacted to the child support. I understand that if you need it, you need it.
Me: Okay....thank you.
Him: But, do you understand why I was so upset?
Me: Well, I....never mind. Yes.
Him: What? Never mind what?
Me: Just leave it alone Ian, please. Thank you for apologizing. I don’t think we really need to discuss anything else.
Him: No, I want to know. You obviously have something to say, so say it.
Me: I think I’ve been pretty damn understanding about A LOT of things. And I want you to know that I’m not asking for child support to get back at you. If that was the case I could think of much more hurtful things to do than that and I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. (I would never say anything about last September because I would rather just forget about it)
Him: Well, there are some things that I could have done to hurt you.
Me: Oh, there are some left?!
Him: I could have turned you in when you took all those pills and crawled into your friend’s bathtub. (Yes, I did do this. Yes, it was a serious attempt and obviously, I’m still here. I also made solemn promise to a very important “person“ that it would never happen again)
Me: Yes, and I could have called the cops when you called me and told me you were going to jump in the river.....
Him: But I never actually physically did anything.
Me: And maybe I should have just let you go and do it. But, instead I rushed down there to try to help you and it was stupid of me. I am stupid.
Him: Oh, here we go.....

And this is where I finally gained an appreciation for cell phones because at that point, he lost his signal. I stayed on for a minute saying “hello” and catching a few words here and there and finally hung up. He tried calling back but I still couldn’t hear him.

I’m guessing that his lawyer probably talked to him about the child support and that is why he is all of a sudden being so reasonable. I also don’t understand why he cares what I think or what I have to say. It’s not going to change anything and we really have nothing to talk about outside of Nick. What we have done to each other in the past needs to just stay there. Bringing it up all the time is just too painful for me and the effects of it are long lasting. Maybe I bring it on in some way that I am not aware of but I am sure not consciously trying to. I just need to stick to my one-word answers and keep any “buts” out of it because that just opens things up for him and he will bug the shit out of me until I tell him what I was thinking.

What really bothers me, much more than the pain he inflicts on me (and that I allow him to inflict on me), is that he didn’t really ask about Nick. He just asked me to explain things to Nick and to give him a kiss and a hug. He didn’t ask how his birthday was or how he was doing in school. I know he loves Nick but I also know how totally, completely selfish he is and that, obviously, hasn't changed. Nick got mad at me the other night and said, “I want to go live with my dad!” That upset me and I so badly wanted to say, “oh, the dad who didn’t even call you on your birthday! That dad?!” But, of course, I didn’t do that because that would only hurt Nick and it’s not his fault.