Sights: More Than Enough: A Novel by John Fulton

I had a wonderful surprise today when my dear Sybil showed up. I felt so bad. My room is so small there wasn’t really enough room for her man and the Sam to come in. We could have all sat in the living room but my sister’s “man” (and I use the term terribly loosely) was all laid out on the couch and obviously not intending on moving or even sitting up so my company could sit down. I have no control over the situation outside of this room but I still feel like it reflects on me and it makes me angry. Sybil and I stayed in my room and talked and the boys sat at the kitchen table checking out their new Magic cards.

She sat down and looked around and said, “I can’t believe you work in this room.” And I said to her, choking up and almost crying, “Honey, I LIVE in this room!” And she looked at me with that look that makes me love her SO MUCH!! This look she gives says so much, her worry for me, her understanding, her compassion and her hope for me. In all my life, except for family members, nobody has ever felt all that for me and been able to convey it the way she does. I never question her love and friendship. Shit, she has put up with 3+ years of my shit, my flip flopping all over the place like a shark out of water on everything....Ian, Bill, moving, Ian, going to school, Ian, Ian, Ian. I know there are times when she wants to just shake the shit (Ian) out of me, she’s said it herself, and I honestly don’t blame her. But she always sympathizes, she always listens and she always cares. When I was up there for New Years she said something about hoping I come out of this funk that I’m in. And I’ve thought about that and I wonder if it’s the funk I was in when we met or a newer funk? Have I been in this place for 3+ years or have I surfaced and gone back down? I don’t know. I do know that even if I never have love again with someone, I will at least have had a real, true friend and that is definitely something wonderful.

(And honey, I know you are going to be reading this so I want you to know that if I could just scrape it all off like dog shit on my shoe I would do it just for you. And thank you for all that you are and for the fact that you choose me to share your kind heart with.)

Anyway, we talked about how shitty things are here, people who don’t spend their money wisely (heh...like WE do!), the fact that I can’t decide what I’m going to do but that I HAVE to get out of here ASAP! I told her that I had talked to Jay a few days ago and that he had said he wanted to ask me and Nick down last Saturday but he didn’t know how I would feel about that. I wanted to jump on it because I really could use a day away from here. I really wanted to say “maybe on your next day off” but I don’t want him to get the wrong idea and I don’t want to use him like that either. Although I wouldn’t mind having “the sex” again but he just can’t keep things separated and it’s just to hard for me to not feel bad about wishing he was somebody else. So, Sybil said I could always come to her place. The only problem is that my days off are Friday and Saturday and her days off are Sunday, Monday and, I think, Tuesday or something. But, we went ahead and made tentative plans for me to come down Saturday after she gets off work and I will have to be back her by Sunday at 11:00. Hopefully I will get my check before then.

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I’m tired but I wanted to share this song I heard last night. It’s really appropriate and may help in understanding how I’ve felt for the past 3+ years. I just can’t seem to get things back into perspective. I’m like broken camera, all out of focus and wonky. But, I’m really, really trying to come back. Truly I am.

A Ghost in This House

I don't pick up the mail

I don't pick up the phone

I don't answer the door

I'd just as soon be alone

I don't keep this place up

I just keep the lights down

I don't live in these rooms

I just rattle around

I'm just a ghost in this house

I'm just a shadow upon these walls

As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls

I'm just a whisper of smoke

I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire

That once burned out of control

You took my body and soul

I'm just a ghost in this house

I don't care if it rains

I don't care if it's clear

I don't mind staying in

There's another ghost here

He sits down in your chair

And he shines with your light

And he lays down his head

On your pillow at night

I'm just a ghost in this house

I'm just a shadow upon these walls

I'm living proof of the damage

Heartbreak does

I'm just a whisper of smoke

I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire

That once burned out of control

And took my body and soul

I'm just a ghost in this house

Oh, I'm just a ghost in this house

ALISON KRAUSS

written by (Hugh Prestwood)