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One insomnia ridden, ghost-of-relationship-over-haunting-every-corner night in Ohio I cued up about four hours of take every pill you can find, wash them down with a gallon of Turkey (heh) then break the bottle and cut your wrists right before driving over a cliff music. All rehashing, over analyzing, self deprecating pity parties should have background music. It’s just not enough that you have the memories that won’t go away no matter what you seem to do, you HAVE to have that background sound of those weepy ass songs to make it THAT much more real and painful. I KNOW how to party! Okay, shut up and tell the story already! I cued the music and put on the twinkling star viz. Mood set and ready to commence with the weeping with help from Alanis, Tori, Joni, Natalie, Melissa, Mazzy Star, etc., etc., and......Portishead. “Sour Times” is on when Nick decides to come and get in my bed and snuggle with me. And the song plays....... “Who am I, what and why Cos all I have left is my memories of yesterday Ohh these sour times Cos nobody loves me It’s true Not like you Nobody loves......me It’s true Not, like, you....do” It’s a haunting song. There is a desperateness to it that effects me deeply. They are really fantastic. I thought Nick was sleeping until the song was almost over. I jumped a bit when he spoke. “Mom?” “Yes honey.” “Doesn’t....doesn’t that lady have a son.....or a daughter?” And I couldn’t answer him right off because I immediately realized what he was hearing and what he was saying.... Cos nobody loves me, it’s true And with that simple, innocent question he was able to make me cry and not for the reasons I had anticipated. Children make the hardest things seem so simple sometimes. I cried because so often I focus on the one who doesn’t love me and forget how important it is that I DO have people who love me. I cried because I realized how truly lucky I am to have such beautiful children. I cried because even though Ian doesn’t love me, I have the best, most beautiful piece of him in Nick and he DOES love me. I cried for Ian because he is missing everything with Nick and he won’t realize it until it’s just to late. I cried because at that moment I realized what an incredibly amazing and perceptive child I have. I cried because I was grateful. I cried because I was HAPPY! Nobody loves......me It’s true Not, like, YOU....do“ |
