The capper was things that he said to me on New Years Day. We were in bed and he whispered to me that he thought about me first thing when he got up in the morning and as the last thing he thinks about before he goes to sleep. A sweet thing to say, no? NO! Not to me because I take all that kind of talk as crap. Pure shite! And it’s not because he didn’t mean it, it’s because I don’t trust me and I sure as shit don’t trust anybody else. I mean really, I told him at the beginning of this “thing” that I didn’t have anything to offer him in terms of a “real” relationship and then he dumps that stuff on me. He never made my heart skip a beat, never made me feel all wonky in the knees, I never even gushed about him here in my diary. But, he was good to me. He was nice and thoughtful, always on time, always did what he said he was going to do. He listened to what I said and he thought I was a sexy bitch...heh. Okay, maybe he didn’t. Maybe it was just the fact that he had spent so many years with somebody that wasn’t sexually interested in him. I don’t know. All I know is that I am alone again, although I was when I was with him because I won’t let myself be anything else.

I don’t want to.

I’m not ready.

I may never be.

And, I’m sorry Jay but I gave it a try and it just didn’t work. Oh, and I’m sorry I did it the day before your birthday and you didn’t get “the birthday sex.”